How to Pretend You’re Trying to Lose Weight

Due to the fact that I haven’t worked out in 12 years and that lately I’ve been eating doughnuts, cake and pizza whenever they are offered to me, I’ve been avoiding denim like the plague. If stretchy material is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Truth be told, I need to get myself back on track because I bought a wedding dress and supposedly I have to fit into it in about 11 months. It’s not denim, but it’s not stretchy either. Dammit.

I used to feel like I was such a health and fitness guru. Work out every day, eat some quinoa, enjoy Meatless Monday, read a healthy living blog. Boom.

Lately I’ve been more of an alcohol aficionado. A fried food fiend. Junk food junkie.

It’s arguably much more fun. Well, short term. Long term it’s leggings and sweatshirts. Boo.

I feel like I need to get back on track like all the good brides-to-be out there. And forget wanting to look hot on my wedding day – what about just wanting to look hot? Leggings and sweatshirts aren’t hot. (ACTUALLY they TOTALLY are…HA! Get it? Cuz they make you warm…? Yeah.)

Getting healthy is hard, especially when you’re having such a fun time being unhealthy. So I’ve decided to stick to the age-old adage, Fake It Til You Make It. I’m going to pretend I’m trying to lose weight and then hopefully in like a month I’ll actually be doing it. Or it will just magically disappear. That would be cool, too.

How To Pretend You’re Trying To Lose Weight

1. Go to the store and buy healthy things. 

Last night I bought carrots, cucumbers, apples, avocados, lemons and low cal orange juice for my breakfast smooooooothies. I came up with this trick: buy the real carrots, not the baby carrots. You know, REAL carrots, like with the green on the end. You probably forgot what real carrots look like, what with your late-night Krispy Kreme runs, so let me remind you:



OK, so you buy the REAL carrots, and then you get home, and wash, peel and cut. This is more difficult than sticking a bag of baby carrots in the fridge, right? Right. So now that you did all that hard work, you will remember to eat them and not the Krispy Kremes because of all the labor that went into that bag of carrots in the fridge.


2. Get your healthy things ready. 

Do the carrot method mentioned above.

Also, you can do make-ahead smoothies. I have a smoothie for breakfast ever morning, which is arguably the only healthy thing I eat all day (pre-Trying To Get Healthy, of course). Smoothies are easy, but they take a slight amount of prep work, which I can’t afford in the morning because I’m already probably running late. My favorite smoothie is frozen strawberries + ice + 8 oz. OJ + Body by Vi shake mix (<- nutritional supplement stuff; tastes good tho). It never fails that I end up running around the kitchen trying to get everything I need for the smoothie, even though it’s not very much stuff.

Enter: planning ahead. I got some cheapo baggies and stuffed them full of 1 cup of fruit (learned that in a magazine; see #3), in this case strawberries, and 6-8 ice cubes. There were even some strawberries about a day away from rotting in the fridge, so I cut those bad boys ups too. BOOM, pre-portioned smoothie mix, just add OJ. Less thinking in the morning. Don’t mind if I do.

3. Buy a health/fitness magazine.

The cashier will fo sho think you are the next Bob Harper/Jillian Michaels, which is want you want anyway. Also, you will learn fun things, like 1 cup of fruit in smoothies is the perfect amount nutritionally without going overboard in all that fabulous natural sugar found in fruit, so now you can make pre-portioned smoothies and forgo using a measuring cup before the sun is even up. You’re welcome. You will also see pictures of pretty girls working out and this will motivate you.


4. Practice self control, but only when you have to. 

At work they make this cheese popcorn, which is basically buttery popcorn coated in neon orange cheese-flavored crack. I like to enjoy a 32 oz. cup of it daily. Today I was being all self-controlled though, and I said, No, no thank you, I am good with my smoothie. Personally I think I deserve a medal, but I’m trying not to make a big deal out of it.

5. Sleep in wonkified positions so you wake up sore. Complain about soreness.

I’ve been telling people about my stiff shoulders and tight hamstrings today, which makes it sound like I was warming up with Michael Phelps before his little soul was crushed in prelims yesterday.



Poor Mike.

I know I fooled you, but the truth is I wasn’t with Mikey yesterday. Nope. I just slept like a human pretzel.

No one has to know.

I like the feeling of being sore, so I’m hoping after a few days I’ll decide I want to have a workout-induced soreness instead of a pretzel-induced soreness (mmm…pretzels), and then I’ll go for a 6-mile jog or something.

Until then, you can find me in leggings and sweatshirts.



4 thoughts on “How to Pretend You’re Trying to Lose Weight

  1. As soon as you move back to the city we are going on a health kick! It is much easier to stick to it when you have a buddy..especially if she lives with you 🙂 Also, a glass of wine every night is considered it… anyways, this girl has to fit in a bridesmaids dress in approximately 11 months and unless you want your 38195739 flower girls scarred for life from the image of my upper region flowing out whilst walking down the aisle we should probs do some damage control.. 🙂 See you soon!

    • I. Love. This. Comment. And I totally agree. Health kick, commence. I’m totally cool with a glass of wine every night. It’s the three margaritas and 12 slices of pizza that I’m going to have to reign in. 🙂

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