The world is ending

Finally got a .com address.

Just in time for the world to end.

Check it out here.

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Hi folks.

It’s been a while.

Since we’ve talked last I’ve become even more of a domestic diva. Yesterday I made homemade creamy tomato and basil soup. That’s soup with 4 ADJECTIVES. Everyone knows food with lots of adjectives is super fancy and people who make it are divas.

Tonight, I attempted a HuHut recreation. It was not bad. I will continue improving it until it tastes just like what I make at the Mongolian Grill. I will not be defeated.

Shockingly, with all this cooking I’ve been doing, I’ve lost about 3 pounds. I have no idea how this is happening except for the fact that I’m  eating less Pizza Hut since I’m dominating my entire Yum board on Pinterest.

Oh. I guess that’s probably how it’s happening.

In other world domination news, the other day I went to Target and did not buy a single thing because I’m so fulfilled in my life that I don’t need material objects.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Obvs that’s a lie.

TARGET THINGS.

Not pictured: lots of things.

I went shopping again after the Target spree weekend, which to be fair was mostly because of peer pressure during bachlorette party shenanigans (Lori’s getting marrrrrrrrrrried!). I will not be shopping again for a long time. Probably.

On another note, do you ever stand in a department store dressing room, look in the mirror and think, Damn this would look nice with Spanx?

No?

Me either. That would be weird.

Working on my Inner Goddess

I’ve had this song stuck in my head for a solid three days

My neighbors love it.

I’ve also been becoming a Domestic Goddess. Ain’t no thaaaaang.

Last night, I made chicken salad.

When I started the chicken was FROZEN.

When I was done, it was delicious.

Also, I TOUCHED RAW CHICKEN.

LOL no I didn’t. I obvs have tongs.

I didn’t eat the chicken salad because I accidentally ate leftover Chipotle chips and salsa while I was cooking soooo I wasn’t really hungry. But it was a delicious lunch today.

After proving my meat cooking skills I decided to make banana bread.

There was batter all over my kitchen because hand mixers are made by Satan, but it tastes real good.

All that, though, is just gearing you up for the grand finale.

 

Lemme tell you a story.

The day I officially moved into my new apartment, my dad came to see it for the first time. He LOVES patios, and even though mine is only about 3×6, it does have a great view and, hey, it’s still outside. He was pretty excited about it and decided I needed patio furniture, so he called my mom who was at Target and asked her to pick up some patio furniture for a house warming present.

Ain’t he sweet?

Mom picked out two chairs and a table that I was pretty excited about, but then she also brought me a plant.

A plant.

I can’t make minute rice and the woman buys me a plant. (I’ve since become a better cook; see above)

I was basically ready to throw in the towel right there, but then she spoke.

“I don’t know why I bought this, you’ll just kill it anyway.”

Game on, MOTHER. Game on.

My plan was to treat my plant like an infant but then I accidentally locked myself out of my balcony for a solid week (don’t wanna talk about it) and it diiiiiied.

Dead. Dead as a doornail.

I’d show you a photo, but I never took one because I was afraid in a moment of weakness I’d send it to The One Who Doubts Me.

When I figured out how to get onto my balcony (don’t wanna talk about it), I felt hopeless. The Mother had won. I had lost.

But yet.

Jeff suggested I cut off all the dead buds (AKA all of them) and start watering it again.

Thus began the watering marathon.

I watered that plant e’rrrrrrr day. That plant was my CHILD.

And damn, it looked good.

Then I went out of town and asked my sister to babysit the plant, but she did not see the point.

I was insulted, but I did not let it affect my plant growing ability. My coworker told me that it’s easier to keep a healthy plant alive than to resurrect a dead plant. I had already done some resurrecting, so obvs I was talented enough to keep the thing alive without water for a few days.

 

What up, Mom.

What. Up.

Domestic Plant Resurrecting Goddess, at your service.

But not really, cuz lezzzz be real, goddesses don’t serve.

ROBOTS.

Youguysyouguysyouguysyouguyssssss.

I started my job (!!!!). Finally, right!?

I love it. I love it so much. I feel like I’m jumping the gun saying that being as tomorrow is only Day 5 but I am confident I will continues to love it. Lovelovelove.

I really can’t talk about it more than that because I’m afraid I’ll wet myself with excitement.

I also love my apartment.

Lovelovelove.

It is so cute it makes me sick.

I really thought that it would take a while to adjust to living on my own. I was pretty confident that I would go to bed every night ready for murderers to break down my front door with an axe, but I’ve been a Brave Little Toaster up in herrrrr. No bad guy dreams yet. Although tonight I’m watching Burn Notice so if it’s going to happen, it’ll be tonight.

Robots

I said on my Facebook page that my next post was going to talk about robots. I don’t want to disappoint you, but I’m probably going to. I’m not talking about R2D2 or Rosie Jetson, exactly, but something far, far cooler.

Dishwashers.

Yes.

Dishwashers.

I don’t think that people appreciate dishwashers until they don’t have dishwashers. I lived with my parents this summer, and they had a dishwasher, but I spent a lot of time hanging out (read: eating) at Jeff’s. Jeff has no dishwasher. I was all, Glass half full, no dishwasher is fiiiiiiiine, I love washing dishes!!

I LIED.

Dishwashers are the best things ever. Dishwashers make kitchens that look like this:

 

Look like this:

in about 12 seconds.

YOU GUYS.

It is a ROBOT that washes your DISHES.

For you!!

It just washes them while you watch Burn Notice, or edit photos, or WHATEVER .

So then I started thinking about other robots just walking around chilling on Earth. Like Transformers, basically, which I always knew was for real anyway.

Think about cars; robots that drive us places.

Computers; robots that teach us how hard boil an egg and everything else. (Side note: did you know if you start Google’ing, “How to…” boil eggs is one of the first hits? I am probably a contributing factor as I have Googled that topic at least 12 times. Successful egg boil attempts = 3.)

Phones; robots that are basically really advanced can+string communication devices.

Think about that last one though. Think about the first time you and your neighbor/best friend/sibling got your hands on a really sweet can+string phone. Or walkie talkies. Or figured out the vent in one room let you hear almost perfectly what was happening in the room below. How’d it make you feel?

If you’re like me you probably reacted something like this:

FREAKING OUT

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Riiiiiiiight!?

So here is my question: if our 8-year-old selves react like that to two old cans of tomato soup and yarn, why is it that our adult-selves are so much less excited by the completely radical technology we have today?

Eh? Eh?

I am completely guilty. Today when Siri wouldn’t play my Jillian Michael’s podcast and I had to use my FINGER, I was absolutely appalled.

I have to use my FINGER!? And touch this ridiculously sensitive touch screen!? On a device that let’s me call, text, email, tweet and creep on whatever and whoever I want!?

The humanity.

A little perspective for your Thursday night/Friday morning. Go find some soup cans.

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AC/DC

What up party people!?

Jeff and I spent an awesome long weekend visiting his cousins on the East coast. His cousin Ali paid for us to fly out there after we got engaged – crazy nice right!? We had been pumped for so long, so we were ready to go!

We spent most of our time in Atlantic City doing the tourist thang, and finished it up with Washington DC and the tourist thang.

Jeff saw the ocean for the first time:

He was the only one there!

Just kidding. I’m just a stealthy photographer like that.

After the ocean we hit up the bar scene in AC, which for the record is basically awesome and revolves around gambling (where I won $50 AND THEN STOPPED unlike someone else I know who’s name rhymes with Heff but I don’t want to name names) and beach bars (where they sing Mumford & Sons and Jimmy Buffet and I swooooooon). Lots of #winning.

We also went to this AWESOME sushi bar with THE BEST SUSHI IN THE WORLD and where I took my first saki bomb. Here is the problem with saki bombs, though. No one told me they are like liquid amnesia. I did not know, so can I just plead ignorance?

Friday night (saki night) goes from blurry to slightly clearer around the time I was back in the hotel room, dumping makeup remover into my contact case.

My contacts did not survive.

So now I look like this for a week while I wait for the eye doctor to order more:

;

Just KIDDING, guys. I was playing in Photobooth.

To clarify, not kidding about saki. LIQUID AMNESIA. Just be careful.

And now I’ve officially spent the last too many posts talking about my drinking habits. I promise I don’t have a problem. I just happen to have a lot of blog worthy moments when I get my drank on. Also, my mom adores reading about these experiences, so should I really deprive her of that?

On a related note, the next 4 posts will discuss my college GPA, my volunteer work for underprivileged children, and how I plan to be the first woman president of the United States and also Canada.

HAHAHAHA JK NO THEY WON’T.

But I did see some museums:

Like the American History, where we met Kermit the frog and the first Macintosh computer. It was 1/8 the size of the screen I’m currently typing on. Thank you, Steve Jobs.

Also, the Air and Space Museum.

Isn’t this guy cute?

;

;

Aaaaaand now I’m back and will be working a bunch this week as I gear up to move on Sunday.

And now I have to go because Fun. is performing on Lenno and I gotta get my jam on. PEACE.

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#Bridesmaids #FTW

So guys, I wrote this post like, last week, and then I got distracted with moving and finishing a couple summer classes and Hoku music videos (to be explained in a later post, I’m sure), so I thought I’d publish it today.

I worked out yesterday, congratulations to me, and seem to have pulled the entire right side of my stomach. I’m not sure how one accomplishes this on an elliptical. I’m almost positive it means I need to work out more…

We haven’t talked in a while, so I’ll catch you up. One of my oldest friends (as in, we’ve been friends since Beanie Babies, not like she’s 100 or something) got married on Friday, which was the funnest thing ever. I’ve also decided I’m a big fan of Friday weddings. We started the fun on Thursday and kept it going til well into Saturday morning.

After the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner on Thursday, a bunch of my friends went to a bar for a few drinks before the next day’s festivities. I was a bridesmaid, so really, it was my duty to go have a beer.

It ended up being a freaking high school reunion at the bar, which means I stayed too long and drank too much. But I hung out with some really cool people.

Eventually I became hungry, and I was furious when I found out that the Taco Bell approximately 20 yards away was only open until 11. But seriously. Are you joking? Don’t say you are open MIDNIGHT OR LATER if it’s actually ELEVEN OR EARLIER. The two are very different. Especially when you’re 3 Coors Lights deep (I know, I know, I am a tank).

This resulted in Taco Bell rage, as displayed on the tweeter:

You guys, my Twitter stream from Thursday night is hilarious. My mother would disagree with that statement, but would I lie to you?

Anyway, I accepted the fact that T Bell would not be opening for me, so I asked the bartender for a cup of olives and pickles. It was surprisingly satisfying.

My lovely fiance came and picked me up around midnight (I know, I know, I also stay up sooo late) and gave me a ride home. DON’T drink and drive, kids! Cuz unlike my Taco Bell tweets that is NOT FUNNY.

The next morning started early with me trying to tame my hair into submission. I opted to do my own hair since it can be kind of ridiculous as soon as you do something besides straighten it. Things did not get off to a good start.

The day before, my friend and fellow bridesmaid showed up to the rehearsal with these FABULOUSLY RIDICULOUS curls. Like OMG CURLS. I was like, Kirby how did you do that?! And she was all, Oh I just blow dried it.

•__•
Are you kidding me.
So that’s what I was trying in the above photo and that’s how it turned out. My hair actually does have some natural wave but I’ve beaten it into submission, so now when I try to use a diffuser and get it to curl it looks like THAT. Cute, huh?
Eventually I conquered my head and it actually turned out really well. I was feeling pretty good about myself. In fact, the entire wedding party thought we all looked damn good.
Ain’t we cute?
We were nothing compared to the bride and groom tho. Damn. They were looking good!
Aren’t they hot!?
We partied well into the night to 90s boyband music and a little Wilson Phillips action. The DJ knew what was up.
I ❤ weddings.

Pee hands and urine handles

With the start date for my new job right around the corner, I’ve been doing a few things to get ready, such as finding an apartment and peeing in cups.

What, is that weird?

Actually, I had to take a drug test; I don’t just get kicks out of peeing in little tiny cups. I’ve never had to take a drug test before, so I thought it was kind of a weird request. According to the nurse handling my urine, however, it’s super common. Oh, America.

I went to get the drug test over my lunch break, so I prepared by drinking approximately 107 oz. of water in 30 minutes. I actually don’t think that’s possible, but I drank a lot of water. The test was going to be at the hospital, and since this isn’t an extremely hoppin’ town I live in, our hospital parking lot is, give or take, the size of my parents driveway. Everyone in Mitchell was visiting the hospital on this day, so I drove around with a very full bladder for a while before I finally parked lightyears away and ran my behind up to second floor so I could finally pee.

But pee I could not. There were two people in front of me to pee so I had to sit with an uncomfortably full bladder in the waiting room while a new employee watched a video made in the 70s about pathogens. Awesome.

It honestly didn’t take TOO long for it to be my turn. A nurse came to get me and gave very specific instructions to empty my pockets, wash my hands, put my purse in the cupboard. I guess they have to be specific so crack heads don’t sneak in clean urine in their purses (ew).

Once I was in the bathroom there were even more specific instructions: pee in the toilet. Then pee in the cup. Then pee in the toilet. Then DON’T FLUSH THE PEE OR YOU HAVE TO START OVER AND WE WILL PUSH WATER DOWN YOU UNTIL YOU HAVE TO PEE AGAIN.

Noted.

So, I did my business and in doing so peed all over myself and wasn’t allowed to wash my hands. Then I opened the door and realized that other people also were probably covered in urine and touching the door handle with pee hands and I totally got the heeby geebies.

This is why I hate hospitals.

Pee hands and urine handles.

The nurse handed me a wet nap, but really, it was a wet nap and I was covered in urine so my cleanliness is still up for debate at this point. Ga-ross.

SO THEN I’m standing in the hallway where people are coming and going (HA, LITERALLY) and the nurse goes into the room to wet nap the shelf where I put my cup of pee. And the toilet is still full of my urine. And she is hanging out next to it.

And this, friends, is why I did not go to school for nursing.

My pee is then put into two viles and at this point we are standing in the middle of the hallway and she is working with my pee. So people are walking by and I’m just all, Hey how ya doing, yeah that’s my pee, this isn’t weird at all.

Then I had to label my pee, which meant touching the container again, which once again contaminated my hands with more urine.

Ew.

I hightailed it out of the hospital as soon as I could and I don’t intend to take a drug test again any time soon.

So how’s your Thursday?

Around the Net

  • I’m loving this shirt worn by my boyfriend Zach Efron, who happens to be a big fan of this blog.

    OK he’s not a big fan of this blog. Or my boyfriend.

  • Did you guys see my face on these posts yesterday? I’m leaving my Operation Beautiful internship because of my new fulltime gig, and it’s very bittersweet. I totally had a moment yesterday when I saw these posts. Healthy Tipping Point has been one of my favorite blogs for years, and I have such a soft spot for OB, so to be mentioned on there – even though I feel like I “know” Caitlin through all our emails – was just crazy cool.
  • I’m assuming the RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF VIEWS on my blog yesterday was due to the above two posts and not due to absolute hilarity, but still, YOU GUYS. SO MANY VIEWS. I logged into my Dashboard today and thought my blog was malfunctioning. Wowza. Are you back again today? I hope so!!

TMI & IDC

Howdy.

Today is my first day back to the real world after vacation and it’s not as bas as I expected. That being said, if anyone knows of a job where I can take vacation year-round, lemme know.

A few housekeeping notes: I scheduled a bunch of posts for when I was gone to A) transfer posts from The Eating Effort and B) provide some content with little to no work for me (not even sorry about it). Well I am apparently technology stupid because while I scheduled these posts, they were listed as drafts, so they never actually published. I still don’t really get it. But whatever. Sorry about that. It would have worked out really well.

ANYWHO that’s why I just published about 67 posts.

And now, for your list-making pleasure…

7 Random Things I Want To Talk About Since I Haven’t Blogged In A While

1. I have returned from vacation with roughly 11 million new bruises, all on my legs (and one cute one on my left butt cheek). I am not sure where they originated. My lower self bruises extremely easily, but usually I can’t feel them and it’s just like a weird little surprise when I find them hidden between my toes and behind my knee, etc. These ones I FEEL. It’s real bad because I have one almost black bruise on the inside of my left thigh and one on the inside of my right calf so when I cross my legs they scream AHHH NOOO PLEASE STOP THE PAINNN OWWWW. Double whammy.

2. Yesterday on the way home I ate a bagel sandwich. Let me just say this: any bagel sandwich (um, already winning) that utilizes both cream cheese AND sliced cheese is a winner in my book. TWO KINDS OF CHEESE. ON A BAGEL. It was so good. Thank you, Brueggers, for existing.

Damn you for not existing closer to me.

3. Speaking of cheese, I was kind of the queen of it on vacation. Nachos, pizza, nachos, pizza. Couldn’t get enough. I haven’t gone to the bathroom in days.

Too much?

But seriously I ate a lot of cheese. And just a lot of crap in general, actually.

4. I’m working out tonight.

I bet you have no idea what could have motivated me.

Just kidding. I bet you do.

And then I’m having a salad for dinner.

With a side of cheeeeeeese.

No. No cheese.

5. I saw Jake Owen AND Grace Potter AND Tim McGraw AND Kenny Chesney at Target Field on Sunday. (With Jeff and Al and Caity who I will talk about later cuz I’m mad at them.)

Tim McGraw wore all white and it was very tight and see through-y and Kenny Chesney sweated through his tank top. Between that and the side of tequila I had with lunch, I don’t remember much more.

6. This is my best friend Caity. We were concert goers together.

She is leaving for the Cayman Islands today and I’m a little mad about it. I’ve determined I should have been invited and here is why:

  • I met Jeff when I was 16 and he was 20 and we started dating (What’s the opposite of a cougar? I want to be called whatever that is.)
  • Caity was my BFF.
  • Al was Jeff’s BFF.
  • When I was 17 and Caity was 18 and we were seniors, Jeff took me to a New Year’s Eve party with a bunch of 21-year-olds who were obviously drinking because DUH. I made Caity come with me because I was keeping it dry (what up, goodietooshoes!?) and that would have been super boring by myself.
  • I introduced Caity to the always classy Al (BFF of Jeff, remember) who may or may not have been completely incapable of full sentences by this point in the night, but he won her over any way. By the time we graduated they were dating all official-like and the rest is history.

So YOU’RE WELCOME, Caity and Al.

And yes, a proper THANK YOU involves a ticket to the Cayman Islands.

Jeff wants to come, too.

I’ll wait by the phone.

But seriously, how cool is it that we were all besties when we were babies, and now we still want to hang out together a billion years later? I think it’s pretty cool. So cool in fact that I got a little misty-eyed during the concert. (There Goes My Life always makes me cry anyway, and then there’s the tequila we talked about earlier…so it happened.)

7. Our engagement photos are done, and I love them so much it’s sick.

Please go check out L.O. Imijri. And then hire her. I mean good God, the girl does. work.

In this post I have talked about bruises and bathroom problems and drinking too much. If you’re still reading, high five. I like you.

Nine Things

1. I keep doing this thing where I set my alarm for 6:30, hit snooze, and roll back over until 7:20. I have to be to work by 8. It’s not a good system.

2. Due to ^that thing I do^ my hair is pulled back in a headband today which, in theory, was going to be really cute. In practice though, it a) hurts my head A LOT b) is making me look like I have a lion’s mane. It’s a problem and I look ridiculous.

3. I’ll be heading back to Sioux Falls on Wednesday with my future sister-in-law to buy a wedding dress. Yippee! We will also be going to Target because you don’t need a reason to go to Target. I can’t tell you which I am more excited about…I love me some Target.

4. I went to Target on the day to end all days and bought a beach chair, almond butter, and Donut Shop K cups. I don’t remember how any of it got into my cart. I maybe didn’t even have a cart. It’s like I black out in Target. I got back out to the parking lot and realized I couldn’t remember the last hour. I call it the Target Vortex. About a half hour later I realized I have a $20 Target gift card that I forgot to spend due to the Vortex. Doh.

5. Target should pay me for the amount of times I’ve written Target in those post. That would be OK.

6. Target Target Target.

7. We got a trampoline.

When I was little and at my cousin’s graduation party, someone fell off the trampoline and broke her arm. My mom never let us get one after that.

Look at me now, Mom. Look at me now.

Fortunately for Mom, I had another cousin who terrorized me on the trampoline with his double bounces and egg cracking and other scary stunts. Due to this I am a trampoline wuss. I am scarred for life and only jump by myself or with Jeff’s three-year-old niece, who I actually have more in common with than you might think. We get along well.

(This cousin also introduced me to Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. I forgave him for the trampoline shenanigans around that time.)

8. I got a design gig today – my first in a while! I’ve been doing a lot of photography lately, which is great because it’s allowing me to get better at something I consider myself a novice at. Design is my first love though, so it’s going to feel good to get back at it!

9. I LEAVE ON VACATION ON SATURDAY. I am stoked about this. I’m not going to wear anything but a swimsuit for a solid week and I plan on tearing through a couple books, too. It’s possible a margarita will be had. Or two. (HA! TWO!)

Hi.

I’m Maddie. I like design and the smell of sweaters and iPhone cases that make me feel like Beyonce. You too? Let’s be friends.